This is the process that unveils right before my new wakened moment. I write tonight, because friends began to worry about my somewhat last two "sorrowful" posts. Beloveds, please know I am doing just fine. The over-culture has taught so many of us that sadness is "bad". Lots of us take on the colder, wintery months as if we are going to the dentist to have two root canals in one sitting: anxiety and stress. We tend to over-work and strain our bodies, minds and emotions for the sake of the holidays and to try and keep it all together on the outside. Maybe the "holiday-thing" can distract us from experiencing the pain, despair and loneliness, but what if it is longing to be heard, expressed and witnessed. Perhaps it needs a hug too. Heartache is heartache and feeling it is not fun, but I think it's necessary to allow the feelings for there is healing in this too. At least, this is what I have been working with lately, I've been feeling it all lately. It's been hard and honestly, I have been so sad, yet I have also challenged myself to sit in it without trying to change or fix it. It just "is" and I'll leave it at that because I sense something bigger is going on. In time it might be something that shapes, makes, and carves me.
Only to observe...
One rainy day, as I patiently sat in the parking lot of my favorite cafe for a coffee date with a dear friend, I began to experience a wave of an overwhelming sense of deep sadness. Although, I had an idea of what it might be I was unsure because I had distanced myself from the pain. As I allowed the pain to surface, I realized that I was "grieving" the loss of a dear friendship that shifted suddenly. No fault, no bad-guy, just an abrupt end with a beginning to new open space...different space. Unfamiliar, but it might be in need of newness, it might have been yearning for a breath of air. I sat there running all types of quick solutions in my mind to rid the ache: go sit in the cafe and order a coffee and sugary sweet. Maybe, go browse the nearby shops. Maybe, lose my thoughts with some social media distraction, etc. Instead, I sat there and allowed the sadness without judging or formulating, only observing.
When there are no words
Nature gives us the gift of reflection during the wintery months. She asks us to go within and experience our human-ness a bit. As I allow myself to go deeper, I realize that at the core...there is an eternal flame that is pointing me home and reassuring me that there is balance to look forward to. Even though it sometimes is agonizing- sadness is okay when felt with awareness and a soul knowing that impermanence is wisdom. As I travel into the winter season of my soul, the piercing cold stings...reminds...pricks life right back into my body and asks to be sat with and be seen. I honor the dark. I honor grief. I honor the silence in a room full of people. I will embrace the discomfort when there are no words because I understand the germination phase of our life-filled growing seeds that are nestled in the deep dark while their rebirth is drawing near.
"It's okay, love...come sit with me and together let's gaze into the reassuring sky and take in all it's definite glimmering starlight. Come, let's do that for a bit. We're going to be okay"
This I promise you: I am as human as ever. I foil in the dredge of life like so many others. I feel my hand tremble when I reach for the light in my darkest hours. This I promise you: I will do my best, but I must let you that I have been wounded, broken open, scarred, charred, chipped at, dismantled, scraped to bone. This I promise you: I will embrace my past and see the million glimmering jewels I have been gifted from it all. It shines beautifully, like a sky in midnight blue and silver. I tell you, I have failed, I have been wronged and I have wronged others, my hurt- hurt others. I've laid on the cold tile floor of a small studio apartment while my three year old daughter slept in the bed next to me as I cried into a pillow a mournful cry that was never mentioned to anyone...until now.
There have been these moments: utter despair, where I have questioned the unanswerable, where I have flung my arms towards the heavens, cursing the Creator. I promise you I have traveled soul deep into healing, but sometimes I slip back into old beliefs or step into the familiar narrowness of an older version of myself. There have been nights of worry, anxiety, body-numbing boredom and overeating. Days spent hidden inside for fear I might be too ugly for the world to see. But, because of these experiences I can promise you that I'll hold you close through the all wrecked and done moments, through the stale nights and failed attempts of trying to be "good" for others. I promise, I will look you in the eyes and meet you with the softest, untouched place in my heart that is always pure and aglow. I promise you that there is such a place as the "untouched pure and aglow". No matter how much pain our fragile bodies have endured, no matter how many wounds, hurts or how many ashes you rose up from...that holy place exists. Within.
I confess that it hasn't been easy and that I don't have it all figured out, but I am in a knowing place that having it all figured out is further away from myself, further away from what lies at the core of my being. When I look to the earthly nest, I see the trees in their bare, and in their dark. They are leafless and naked, but they are still reaching for the heavens. They believe and they "know". I promise you: there is gold in all of this dark.
2013 gave me unearthing. It tossed up all my beliefs, limitations, accusations, assumptions, egocentric definitions and illusion-filled vantages. All was crumbled and in gentle pause right at my feet. Thin and translucent fragments rested on the ground before me and before I could lean in to dissect, a strong wind gushed in blowing all into the nothingness.
All is transformed in the nothingness.
It goes back to zero; back to blankness. But in the process, a memory remains, like ...the soul. This doesn't mean you have to kill it or rid yourself from it. And, no...since you've asked, you are not less enlightened because you might have pockets full of this. To carry the memory and affix it under a new light is a brave willingness to be aware and honor your path, your own right path, but at the same time surrendering to it's ever-changing ways. It's a bit of a pose to hold, but it expands you. How will you see your stories? Do they sit well in your current flow or do they disrupt with a wave or two? Is it shaky ground? Can you decipher a message in it? can you dance to the tune playing in the background? This is the journey that is twirling me into this coming new year.
There has been much rewriting and much reclaiming.
There has also been many tantrums and lists of unfairs, don't-want-to's and why-should-I's.
Yet, who would I be without this buffing? This sanding down of the old layers...only to reveal new skin.
A new year gives a clean slate. What stories have migrated, which ones have transmuted or transformed? Which can I continue to work with. Which ones seems hard to shake? I find life much more exciting that I can change up (of course, with work, and the peeling of layers) the energy of things that feel weighty.
But please know this, when you are in the process, don't resist the process!
Sometimes the process is blood, sweat and tears. Sometimes you feel like everything you've worked for was a waste of time. Sometimes you even think you have it figured out only to find yourself at the beginners place...again.
You are magic and have the ability to reset the tone.
It's evident in nature. Our Grandmother Moon reminds us of this. She goes through the phases gracefully. My prayer for 2014 is that I can embrace this movement. Come with? Dance with me?
Blissed and beyond thrilled to be a part of an AHmazing workshop with 30+ other incredible women and created by the brilliant and magic gathering Hali Karla, holistc artist and healer. In her words, she describes this journey as...
A Visual Journaling Experience celebrating your Art~Body~Nature! Spectrum is a collective of 30+ holistic-minded artists, healers and visionaries that have come together to offer a 10 month online workshop
in which you will create a visual field guide devoted to awakening, exploring, deepening & celebrating the innate wisdom within YOU.
This journey is about connecting with:
BODY as guide and ally,
ART as intuitive, expressive oracle,
and NATURE as provider of love, lesson, abundance and belonging.
Spectrum is for any woman interested in enhancing intuition, strengthening courage, celebrating wholeness & diversity, widening perspective, developing deeper relationships, and who wants to offer her own gifts to the world, guided by personal awareness and creative living...
oh, and that's not afraid to get her hands in and play!
In Spectrum, we aren't just making some nice art journal pages, we are creating an intentional, exploratory Field Guide to the holistic experience of YOUR ART~BODY~SPIRIT~NATURE! It is going to be so much fun seeing how members of the Spectrum community integrate the different elements into their own creative expression!
Stay tuned - over the next several weeks, we will be teasing you with details about each of the exciting workshop offerings from the Spectrum 2014 Collective (read more about the contributors below)!
Some important and juicy details:
Spectrum begins on March 1, 2014!
EARLY~BIRD SALE HAPPENING NOW! $99
(I am an affiliate so, click on image to the left to reserve your space! )
For more information, go over to Hali Karla's webspace
and read up on all the yumminess Spectrum is offering!
Welcome to my Virtual Journal. Here you will find #fieldnotes of a Medial Woman. I write unabashedly imperfect, mostly short, even one-line word play. I share story. I share- first, my process. I view my life-living as a grand experiment and I am taking notes, mapping a trail by moments, stories and synchronicities.
I write about...